25 weeks

well, tomorrow i will be 25 weeks.

i have had the hardest time getting around to documenting this growing belly.

i knew the holidays were going to make time fly, and it feels like our 20 week ultrasound was only a few days ago.

i remember thinking that when calvin starts going to nursery on sundays, i will only have a few months of baby freedom to enjoy the lessons..

well, c goes into nursery next week and in 3 months this little man will be here - hopefully snoozing through relief society, so i can continue to enjoy my sundays.

(p.s. i was released from nursery and am now a cub scout den leader)

i had my 24 week apt the day after christmas.

everything looked great.

he was kicking around while my midwife was finding his heartbeat.

155 bpm.

we went over the ultrasound notes and she confirmed that everything's perfect.

i weighed in at 124 lbs - up 6 lbs from pre-pregnancy.

blood pressure 104/60

baby bump was right at 24 cm.

 they sent me home with a lovely bottle of orange snow cone syrup to drink before my next visit. barf.

as d-day gets closer, i have a lot more questions than i ever did with calvin,

but i drew a blank when she asked me if i had any questions.

 

i went into c's delivery very open minded, and while it was a good experience, i think i learned a lot about what i don't want to happen this time around (TMI warning):

 - getting pumped full of iv fluids that i was so swollen and achy for days 

(also, making me look like a marshmallow woman for all those 'first' pictures)

- not knowing breathing techniques or pressure points to help with pain

- an epidural that worked too well - i could not feel a thing, making pushing difficult

- pushing within minutes of 'becoming a 10' (i want to be able to rest and descend more)

 - pushing to the point of exhaustion (2.5 + hours) that i couldn't enjoy my brand new baby

- tearing + episiotomy + more tearing

anyways, i need to bring these up before too long, and hopefully find better alternatives.

i am pretty positive i will get an epidural again with this delivery, just to see how much 'easier' this delivery goes. 

supposedly, each one gets faster, and somewhat easier.

with that in mind.. i am aiming for a natural birth for baby tres.. whenever that is.

perfection

last night josh and i went on a date with his family to see the christmas carol at hale center theater.

my momma was a gem, and came down to watch cal for us. it was a wonderful evening filled with malawi's pizza, great company, cuddles with my man, and a play that always gives me goosebumps.

this was one of the first dates that i was able to completely relax, and enjoy my time without worrying about my baby boy at home. mix chicken nuggets, lady and the tramp, basketballs, and grandma.. cal is in heaven, and we get to really enjoy ourselves.

when we got home, we found ourselves in the nursery staring at our sleeping angel. all of the sudden he is in our arms as we love on him and hold him close. i stay and rock him a little longer and try to make him smile in his sleep.

there have been way too many sad things happening lately, that really puts life into perspective. my sweet kindergarten teaching mother - the way she gives of herself freely, and expects nothing in return. it's true that you can't understand the love a parent has for you until you have your own kids...

i'll never remember the late nights or early morning she spent up with me, or the way she held me and rocked me and loved on me.. hoping i wouldn't grow up.. i'm sure she thought about me constantly when she left me with a babysitter - making sure my pjs were laid out next to my goodnight story and favorite stuffed animals in hopes i would drift off to sleep easily. i guarantee she got teary eyed as she listened to horror stories on the news and thought about her babies.

i often think about her when i'm doing my daily mommy duties. i try to think of ways to thank her or give back to her, and then i think about cal and how all i really want in return is for him to be healthy and happy and a part of my life forever. maybe that's what she wants from me.

so as i sit here and write this, i have my napping son in my arms, and another one hiccuping inside of me. i am so blessed, and grateful for my testimony and knowledge that i can be with my sweet family forever, because of a loving Heavenly Father and His atoning son.

Nails and spears shall pierce Him through

The cross He bore for me, for you

So hail, hail the Word made flesh

The babe, the Son of Mary

This, this is Christ the King

Whom shepherds guard and angels sing

Haste, haste to bring Him laud

The babe, the Son of Mary

125.

making ginger snaps

125 days till d-day.

less than 18 weeks.

this pregnancy has been zooming by.

baby port is almost a foot long now, and weighs over a pound.

and i am pretty sure that pound of cute baby flesh is taking over my stomach space because i get full really fast, and hungry again even faster.

i heard somewhere that the more sweets you crave during pregnancy, the sweeter your baby will be. 

well he is definitely going to be the sweetest thing around.

i think he is already getting used to being wrestled by cal, because c is oblivious to momma's growing belly and the extra space it needs.

i am having a hard time staying off my back while sleeping (in our glorious new bed, i might add), but i am still sleeping pretty well.

the worst part of my night is waking up around 5 am with a full bladder and a growling tummy.

it is so hard to get out of my comfortable warm bed.

before the quilt came.

moving on to the bed.

josh and i went out on black friday and got ourselves a new bedroom set.

merry christmas to us!

i don't think either of us had slept well for months prior.

we love the new furniture and feel grown up living in a fancy room,

not to mention, the mattress is so comfy, and there is plenty of room.

pure. heaven.

we found a great deal on a gorgeous quilt, and now are on the hunt for the perfect pillows and curtains.

mr. calvin joshua is still mesmerized by basketballs, and recently chose to watch a michael jordan documentary over lightening mcqueen in cars.

he has also started playing 'pretend' more - 

sharing his binky or crackers with stuffed animals, and making eating noises for them,

flying his airplanes, or 'vrooming' his cars.

he also learned how to say cheese when i take his picture:

yummy pomegranate smoothie monster

19/20 week belly & ultrasound

well, i have kind of fallen off of the whole baby dos update wagon.

here are some recent thoughts:

- hello belly! looking at pictures of myself, makes me feel a little dramatic - but i swear my belly is huge.
maybe it's because my daily view is this:

 last pregnancy, sharsti and i would always joke about how our bodies were turning into the grinch's:

ha, i can't help but make a grinch face and chuckle when i slather on noni butter each night...

- i was getting super anxious for our anatomy scan.
a friend of mine recently lost her baby, and i hadn't felt baby dos as much as i remember feeling c at this point.

 i was worried there was something wrong. 

would this baby have heart issues too? is it really a boy?

well, the morning finally came (turning 20 weeks over thanksgiving meant we had to wait until after the break for our appointment).

wednesday, november 28 (ali's 22 bday).

i dropped cal off at kimmy's and met josh at valley's provo office.

it felt like we waited forever to be called back.

our ultrasound lady was fantastic!

she was great about explaining everything she was doing, and what we were seeing.

he is definitely a boy (wahoo!),

and everything looked 100% perfect.

he measured exactly on track except for his head was a little small.

the tech had been an neonatal echo person (??) before working there, so she did a really in-depth exam of his heart and it looked great.

also, the placenta is running along the front of my stomach - which is why i haven't felt him as much as i did with cal.

anyways, she took lots of pictures and we went away floating and very much in love.

- he has become much more real since then, and we are so so excited. josh has felt him kick a few times, and we are still thinking his name is porter. yay? nay?

love this site

- since c and p will be close to the same seasons/sizes, i haven't felt a need to buy anything. 

so, i am going to sew a quilt - 

maybe this one:

via

 or this one (in more boyish colors):

via

or both.

and there are a few things i need to look into and get:

 double stroller (suggestions?)

diaper genie (two in diapers = too many trips outside to the trash can - go ahead, call me lazy)

video monitor (mostly for when we move c into a toddler bed and p into the crib)

well, my eyelids are heavy, and baby p is kicking which means it must be time for bed.

 hopefully, it won't be long until the next update.

11. 19. 2012

tears.

i quickly learned that tears and motherhood go hand in hand.

from the tears of joy when i held my baby for the first time,

to exhausted tears of that first night home when he fussed all night and i couldn't calm him down.

grateful tears when i read stories like this, or watch a parent mourn the loss of their child - grateful that my baby is here and well, praying that it stays that way.

nervous tears when i hear about the power satan is gaining over the world that surrounds us.

tears brought on by the Spirit, pounding within, telling me that everything is going to be okay.

 tears that i try and hold back as i carry my tantrum-ing toddler out of sacrament meeting for the 4th time.

tears of laughter at some the the hilarious things this little man does - seriously, where does he come up with it?

tears that feel great to get out when i am alone in the shower and they wash down the drain carrying whatever overwhelms me at the moment.

emotions.

feel them.

aknowledge them.

learn from them.

adjust if needed, and let life's wind push you along.

thankful thursday no. 2

[thursday, november 8]

my education in nursing:

there were many many times throughout my nursing school that i questioned if it was worth it.

there were also many times that i felt so lucky and privileged to be trained in the Healer's art.

since graduation, i have only officially worked a few days as a registered nurse, but i use the skills and knowledge i learned in school almost everyday.

i am so grateful for my knowledge of our amazing bodies, and how to heal them..

and for my knowledge of how to find the answers to things i don't know.

i feel confident and secure that i will be able to handle myself in whatever health / first aid problems we will have in our home.

and i look forward to when i can return to work as a nurse (hopefully a nicu one)..

and to going back to school one day for further education.

[friday, november 9]

my sweet momma:

today i got to work with my friend megan at the new j. crew.

calvie spent the afternoon at my mom's house.

she used her day off of work to help me out, and she was happy to do so.

calvin was in heaven playing with buddy, eating mac' n cheese, and cuddling with grandma.

my mom even had a yummy dinner ready for me to take home when i got off.

this is just one of the many, many things mom does selflessly for me.

i love our chats on the phone.. and when we get together.

i am so grateful for her service and support - 

for all the words of encouragement and wisdom.

i admire her unwavering faith, and her ability to see a need and jump in and fix it.

i just love my momma.

[saturday, november 10]

our neighborhood and friends in the ward:

today we went to a fun first birthday party for a boy in our ward.

when we moved into the ward, i was weeks away from delivering cal.

i quickly found out that i was one of 35+ women expecting babies or had recently had a baby.

since then our ward has split, but there are still lots and lots of kids c's age, and some really great couples.

i am grateful for our decision to move here, and the friends that we are making in the ward.

it has been really fun getting to know our neighbors, and feeling at home in our ward.

[sunday, november 11]

my siblings!:

today everyone went to josh and sharsti's for dinner.

shar made the yummiest mexican food and he were able to hang out and write chirstmas letters to elder scott.

it is always fun to be together.

i am grateful for the friendships that i have with each one of my siblings- sharsti included.

we all get along so well, and i am grateful when we get together to hang out.

[monday, november 12]

 fhe:

tonight for fhe, we opened up my nursery manual and had a short lesson with calvin about the temple, and about familes.

we sang i love to see the temple,

looked at pictures of temples,

and pictures of our family and extended family.

calvin was involved and his favorite part was pointing out each family member in the photos.

we talked about Jesus, and cal looked up and pointed to the picture of Him and said Jejus.

we have been doing family nights with cal for about a month, and it is the best.

i know he isn't grasping all that we teach, but hopefully he feels the Spirit.

i am grateful for the guidance given to us about families and how to strengthen them.

i am grateful for the privilege and responsibility that josh and i have as cal's earthly parents to teach him and remind him about truth and testimony.

 [tuesday, november 13]

 

health:

today, baby c was not feeling very good.

he was a sneezy, snotty, irritable, rashy mess all day.

we spent lots of time cuddling and watching elmo.

when it came time to make dinner, this lil guy refused to let me put him down..

and he needed his pillow pet and owl there too.

 somehow, i was able to keep him happy, and have dinner ready before josh got home from work.

being five months pregnant, i don't always feel 100%, especially when it comes to bending down and picking him up or carrying him everywhere...

but, somehow i always have the strength and so far it hasn't been a big deal.

i am grateful for the health, strength, and protection i have had so far, and pray that i will always feel well enough to care for both of my sweet babies.

[wednesday, november 14]

 the ability to create:

today sarah and i got together to do a christmas nativity craft,

(similar to the thanksgiving one we did last month).

it is so fun to be creative and to have people to be creative with.

i am grateful for the ability to create and this mormon message sums it up really well:

thankful thursday no. 1

i love the month of gratitude tradition, and because i don't have time to blog everyday, i am going to only post it weekly.

[thursday, november 1]

my handsome husband who works hard to bring home the bacon:

today we got up early and went to j's work. 

we had to have our blood drawn for health insurance.

we got the earliest appointments because we had to go fasting.

after bp checks and a few vials of fresh blood, we headed to a bakery for some yummy asiago bagels with cream cheese.

though small, i love stuff like this.

when i get to spend quality time with my sweet man.

i am so lucky to have a man like him in my life.

one who takes his role as provider so seriously, and allows wants me to be at home with our babies.

he is a planner and a saver.

he has goals and a beautiful vision for our future - 

one that includes lots of babies,

our dream home,

family vacations,

fruit trees in the yard,

and so much more.

i thank God everyday for my mr.

and the job he has that provides for our family.

[friday, november 2]

my happy baby boy:

we had a busy day today.

we went straight from playgroup to pick up sarah for a craft day.

calvin fell asleep on the way to store #1. 

when he woke up in the store, he was so good, and hung out while we picked out paper.

he was so hungry, but let us make a quick stop at store #2.

after getting home and fed, he played on his own and was amazing while sarah and i made our turkey decorations.

he was running around and laughing and doing his own thing.

this little man has been such a good kiddo lately.

eating lots, playing lots, growing, and being his happy self.

we've spent time with the asay cousins recently, and he jumps right in, and loves his cousins - no more need to be next to mom.

he laughs more than cries, and often has to be pried out of his daddy's arms.

next time you see him, ask him to wink.. or how old he is - those are his latest tricks.

if you haven't noticed, j and i are crazy about this lil man,

and are so happy he is in our family.

he brings us more joy than we ever imagined.

so grateful for our baby, calvin joshua.

[saturday, november 3]

this beautiful world:
today was a perfect saturday.
pancakes from scratch for breakfast.
chores done.
playing outside,
 and a long nap for c.
a lovely drive through the cutest sugarhouse neighborhood
to visit a perfect newborn and his fun family.
pizza, hot wheels, and great conversation.

after watching so many be forced to go without, because of hurricane sandy,
i am grateful for the safety we have had here in utah.
in fact, it has been a beautiful fall - lots of sunshine, full moons, and short sleeves.

'i’m glad that i live in this beautiful world
Heavenly Father created for me.'

[sunday, november 4]

 testimonies:
today, was fast and testimony meeting.
a day that i love.
c did pretty well during sacrament.. until the very end, and josh was wonderful to take him out while i listened and felt the spirit.
i was also able to go to relief society today.
i haven't been in months.
our sweet president gave a lesson on testimonies, and opened it up to sisters in the room.
i chased cal while i listened to my friends and neighbors share intimate sacred thoughts.
i reflected on my own testimony and the gratitude i have for it.

i've been really blessed to be born into a strong, active family.
i have also been blessed with the spiritual gift of faith.
with this faith, i have never really questioned the truthfulness of this gospel.
after i received the gift of the Holy Ghost, i remember feeling something so different,
i could not hold back tears.
i know now that that was the spirit.
to me the spirit feels like overwhelming peace and happiness.
like i am being wrapped up in the warmest, coziest blanket.
all i want to do is hold really still and enjoy it.

this spirit helps me discern the truth.
i have learned through the spirit that there is a God in heaven who loves me.
He loves me so much that He gave us His son, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins.
the atonement is real, and there is hope found within it that can allow for me to be with my family forever.

i am so grateful for the knowledge of truth that i have -
i know who i am.
i know where i came from, and what i can become.
i know there is life after death - eternal life.
i know that it is through the gospel, that i can find true happiness.

[monday, november 5]

 a baby daddy who loves his babies:
(this is different than the first one, right?)
 whenever c and i are home together and he hears a noise - he immediately screams dadaa! and runs around looking for him.
i am constantly reminding cal that his daddy is at work.
he cries almost every morning when josh leaves, and runs to j with open arms when he gets home in the evening.
josh came home for lunch today, and happily ate the burnt grilled cheese i made.
he was sad that cal was napping.

i remember seeing josh play with his neices and nephews while we were dating -
talk about a winner - seriously, what's sexier than seeing a man cradle a baby with the most gentle loving manner and a huge smile on his face?

anyways, i love and am grateful that josh is such a great daddy.

[tuesday, november 6]

  a living prophet who leads and guides:
election day is always exciting.
i love going out and voting, and am grateful for the freedom we have to do that in this country.
today c, j, and i headed to the local elementary school to cast our votes.
an interesting, anxious day followed,
with a night of heart pounding disappointment.

at the end of the night, i couldn't help but think of my sweet baby boys, and the awful world they get to grow up in.
i grew ill as i thought about it only getting worse too.
it wasn't just the fact that obama was re-elected.. it was the major polarity in our country.
the millions of people who take what is most sacred and want to destroy it..
gay marriage..
legal marijuana..
the God-inspired constitution.

i often find myself scared for my children.
my heart physically hurts thinking about the challenges they are going to face.
i want more than anything to protect them from the evils of this world, and often feel overwhelmed by that task.

until, i remember that i have the Lord on my side.. and that He can not fail.
i remember that i have a living prophet and apostles, who see these challenges and are here to help.
i remember that i have a worthy priesthood holder in our home who carries the power of God with him.
i remember the many promises given like this from elder packer:

"I bear witness of the power of the priesthood given to the Church to protect us and guide us. And because we have that, we have no fear of the future. Fear is the opposite of faith. We move forward, certain that the Lord will watch over us, particularly in the family."

 i am grateful that there is a God in heaven who is more powerful and more important than the president of our country.

[wednesday, november 7]

a heritage of simplicity and righteousness:
today, my grandma would have turned 94.
i am sure she had a little party in heaven with other loved ones.

my grandma was a simple lady...
she didn't ask for much.
she didn't need much.
she enjoyed reading, playing the piano, and singing.
she loved her sweets, and was often found holding the newest great grandbaby.
she was short and feeble in her age,
but she had a testimony and a spirit that could knock down walls.

the ladies who worked at her assisted living told us that going into her room, was like walking into the temple.

i'm sure she wasn't a perfect mom raising her 7 children,
or that she always did her visiting teaching,
never missed a day of personal, couple, and family scripture study,
or never complained about her calling..
but all my memories of her are of a sweet, valiant, perfect woman.
she had her priorities in line.
her testimony shined through her eyes.
she was confident in her standing with God, and wasn't afraid to meet Him.

i am grateful to have an example like her in my life.
one that i can look at and say, 'if she can do it, so can i'.


to be continued next week...

5 more months

yesterday, i was lucky enough to be present at the birth of this perfect baby boy.

it was my first birth photography session, and i couldn't have asked for a better experience.

 there is nothing more spiritual than being there when a baby is born.

you walk away amazed by God's creation of perfect bodies.

you forget how small they are, how soft their skin is, and how incredible it is when you see them look around with these bright innocent eyes.

i walked away last night full of excitement for baby dos to get here... 

in 5 more months.

ha, ps.. any photographers out there want to document my birth?

if only i could do 2 things at once...

ramblings of a nature-ist...

i love fall.

last week, i went back to high school territory for a photography session.

good old little cottonwood canyon.

it's seconds from my parents house.. and really one of the most beautiful places on earth.

i used to drive up there to get away..

sometimes we'd sneak on top of the water tower, 

and other times we'd sneak into snowbirds' heated swimming pools.

my friend megan and i got up early one morning and drove way past the resorts to go 'moose hunting' - being from california, i had never seen a real life moose before.

well we saw one.. in the most beautiful canyon you can imagine.
it was so refreshing to go back. and it reminded me of how much i love nature.

you may have heard about how much i enjoy emerson's essay nature -
well, whenever i read it, i think about this beautiful place.

'to the attentive eye, each moment of the year has its own beauty, and in the same field, it beholds, every hour, a picture which was never seen before, and which shall never be seen again.'

that is unless you capture it with a photograph.

i love photography, always have.

but i miss taking pictures of places instead of people... 

some of my most favorite captured places: 

 

  okay, so i got distracted flipping through my romania pictures.. 

so most of those are from when i lived there.. 

and that last one is of a person - a classic eastern euro mullet kid. 

but still.

i need to get out and explore orem city, usa more

find beautiful places.

and capture it so i can remember the beauty forever,

and appreciate the world around me and the One who created it.

and so begins project orem city.

don't want to forget this, friday #1

i keep thinking of random things that i haven't blogged about but want to record... so i am starting a new friday tradition.

today is about calvin.. what's new? but more specifically about his name.

when josh and i were dating, we had a conversation about baby names.. (a requisite conversation to getting engaged right?) we both agreed that we liked names with meaning. and we both loved the name calvin. 

calvin is the name of josh's grandpa:

 

(this guy loves to laugh and can sit and tell jokes for hours)

the first time our cal met grandpa cal, was at matt and sarah's wedding:

baby cal was 2 months old.

grandpa cal got teary eyed when we told him c's name, and he kept saying, 

"are you sure?"

it was really sweet.

 we love when grandpa cal comes to town

and one day we are going to go visit him in oklahoma...

9. 25. 2012

awesome: i feel like i've been doing a really great job at cleaning and organizing lately.
awkward: josh did an excellent job of cleaning on saturday while i was at lunch with my girlfriends... so in reality, i have done a really good job of not messing things up.

awesome: after 6 oz of prune juice, cal finally pooped today. (it's been a few days)
awkward: it was the nastiest blow out, that ran down both legs and made a puddle on the floor. luckily he was playing in the kitchen on the tile.

awesome: this cozy fall weather.
awkward: calvin insisting on playing in the sprinklers until he was freezing and shivering.

awesome: i am loving the maxi skirt sharsti and i got together and made last week. so comfy and so cute!
awkward: in attempts to make it 'not so flowy', we strayed from the tutorial, and now i can barely walk because it is so narrow.

awesome: elder holland's latest ces fireside talk... (seriously amazing!)
awkward: how it left me feeling like i have a lot to improve on, but not quite sure how to do so.

awesome: my amazon prime membership has lots of movies and tv shows i can watch while i am doing stuff around the house. i am currently at the beginning of season 3 on grey's.
awkward: how i cried during the season 2 finale.

awesome: 3 out of 5 sundays we don't have regular church = i dont have to go to nursery.
awkward: i am actually missing my 3 year old monsters.

awesome: speaking of sunday.. last sunday j and i napped during c's afternoon nap - that miraculously lasted 3+ hours.
awkward: we slept through going up to hang out with my family, and missed eating dinner with them.

awesome: calvin has been talking up a storm lately. seriously, a constant gibber-gabber.
awkward: he has also started to whine, whine, whine... and we are loosing patience with it fast.

awesome: this video of cal talking
awkward: it is sideways

  

gibberish from Whitney Asay on Vimeo.

8. 10. 2012

it's been one of those 'turn up the music and dance in your pj's' kind of mornings. cal was in his highchair kicking his little leggies and rocking back and forth to florence + the machine, as i danced shamelessly around the kitchen. after certain jumps and spins cal would clap and giggle. and we can't forget our shimmys! haha. calvin's little shoulders moving side to side so fast, as a smile crossed his face and his eyes followed mine. he had one shoe on. his hair was a mess. and little piles of food were accumulating on the floor around him. the song ended and we both cheered as we waited for pandora to give us a new song.
perfect moments i want to remember forever.

life has been full of lots of fun and not so fun moments lately - cal slipping and falling head first out of the tub, for example. or josh getting stung by the killer hornets we have when he was grilling dinner. or how about the spider bite he recently got that has left a huge sore on his leg. or last night when cal started choking in his carseat and josh slammed on the breaks, pulled over, so i could yank cal out and hit on his back. o, and that one month i forgot to pay every single bill we have... not so fun.
but one thing i know for sure is that moments are passing, and i would rather look back at this time of my life and remember the perfect moments. remember kissing josh goodbye and calvin thinking it was funny.. so we kissed again, and cal laughed again.. and we repeated that little series multiple times. or remember after a family prayer when i swear calvin said amen. or remember riding our bikes and cal screaming when josh zoomed past us. remember pulling our sweet baby out of bed last night to have a family cuddle - running my fingers across his forehead and down his perfect chubby cheeks.
i am so blessed.
thank you Heavenly Father for these moments.

7.31.2012

ever have those reality checks that smash you in the face, and humble down to the size of a bug?
well, last night was one of those for me as i heard a first time mother describe the severe complications she is having with her pregnancy. she is six months along and has no idea if her baby will be able to live outside of her, let alone to full term. she went on to say how she hated people feeling sorry for her.. i was speechless. i didn't know how to respond.
she was so nonchalant and poised about it.. while i got quiet and tried to avoid the topic..... i felt terrible, and all i wanted to do was hug on and love onto my little man - grateful for his hyper healthy body.
looking back, i should have encouraged her and told her how strong she is. i did tell her to call me if she needs anything, but i don't know if she understood how sincere i was about it. i wish i was more thoughtful and able to come up with ways to help her without her asking.

tender

my dearest son,
we have recently nick named you hurricane because you are always on the go.
you love to open up drawers, and dump everything out.
toilet paper rolls get emptied on the floor,
and your tiny hand prints are everywhere.
you love to wrestle, peek-a-boo, and chase.
you know how to turn on the radio, increase the volume,
and bob up and down to the beat.
but, sometimes, at the end of the day - close to bedtime,
all you want to do is cuddle.
you crawl up on me and nuzzle your head into my chest.
your body is still, with the exception of your rolling fingers.
you truly are your father's son - 100% boy on the outside,
but so gentle and tender on the inside.
you bring me so much joy, little man.
thanks for being you.
forever and always,
momma

7.18.2012

little brother jare bear entered the mtc today. sunday he gave his farewell talk in church. last night we had a wonderful visit with his stake president and bishop, along with our whole family where he was set apart as a missionary for the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints.
it's safe to say that two years ago, and even a little over a year ago, we weren't sure if our sweet brother was going to make it on a mission. he has been through a lot. my parents too, well the whole family actually.
life is hard. the world is full of darkness. and is often discouraging. but, there is light - the light of Christ within each of us. there is hope - hope in the gospel and in our Savior. there is peace - peace that comes from true knowledge. there is redemption through the atonement, and happiness in families... forever families.
while it is always hard to say goodbye, i was happy and proud and excited to see my brother off today. he is going to be a rock star in malaysia. he is going to grow more than he has in his life, and learn more about himself and his Savior.
so, as a mother of a one-year-old, and hopefully many more littles... whenever i feel discouraged, anxious, and nervous for my darlings and their lives ahead, i will think of jared and his faith. i will think of my parents and the time spent and prayers said. i will strive to live more worthy of the spirit, so i can be inspired about how to teach and love my children - to make them strong soldiers against the adversary.
i will have hope, dig in my heels and push on.

pregnancy soapbox

i have a close friend who is pregnant and asked for some tips... i just finished a massive email to her and thought i would post it here too.

p.s a year ago today, i was in labor with my little man... 

i was getting a little sentimental about it, 

until i wrote this email and remembered how hard pregnancy was 

and how i pushed for almost 3 hours, 

and those marathon newborn nights..

it made me very grateful for my one year old.

just some of my thoughts:

pregnancy:
- i sent you some noni butter in the package. it is super greasy but i put it on my belly every night and i didn't get any stretch marks.
- you can do it!  i don't know how you are feeling.. but i promise it does end! and the baby is so worth it.
- hot baths: my hips really hurt me, especially at night, and the only thing that seemed to help was soaking in the tub. i spent many nights in my tub. it helps take the weight off, and relax your muscles.

delivery:
- when i first started going into labor, i didn't think my contractions were contractions.. everyone says 'you will know!' but i just felt uncomfortable and mostly in my lower back. after a few hours, and walking a bit, they got stronger but they weren't too bad. i even told josh that i could totally do this. my worst contractions came after my water broke. those were bad! but they won't kill you. i wish that i had taking a lamaze class to help me with breathing techniques. i think that would have really helped also.
- EPIDURALS TRULY ARE YOUR FRIEND! i was way nervous about an epidural and wasn't sure if i wanted one (until my water broke, and then i changed my mind). getting my epidural was tricky. it took the dr. a few tries and i went into shock after.. but with that being said. it really wasn't that bad. they will give you a numbing shot that does a great job and you can't feel the rest of the procedure. the worst part is trying to hold still while folding over your contracting belly.
- rest when you can! after getting the epidural, i was too excited to take a nap. i was just chatting with my mom while josh took a nap. o man, i wished i would have gone to sleep. after pushing, i was so exhausted, i could barely hold cal, and wished i would have taken that opportunity to rest.
- i was so happy that my mom was there to record the birth. josh was supporting me, and then taking pictures of cal. i was so delirious at the time, that i am soooo happy to have the video to look back on. (she filmed from the side of the bed... i would recommend having who ever is filming be up by your head.. so you wont blush when you watch it)
- skin to skin: if i learned one thing in my years in nursing school it was the benefit of doing skin to skin with your newborn. this is where you place your babe in just his diaper right on your bare chest and you cuddle the heck out of him. it is really amazing actually. your body temperature with rise and fall to ensure his temperature is correct. his breathing will be more stable listening to your lungs, and it encourages breastfeeding and your milk supply. seriously, i could go on and on and on. do it! it is such a bonding experience too.

breastfeeding and milk supply:
- ugh, i had a rotten nurse who told me that it was okay for cal to sleep for 9 hours without eating when he was 1 day old. while yes, he wasn't going to die... it was terrible for my milk supply! a woman's milk supply is all determined by the baby sucking at the breast. without cal waking up to eat, my breasts were not stimulated enough and my milk took a really long time to come in which led to me starving him.. him not pooping for 2 days, and getting really bad jaundice. (which i will come to in a second). anyways.. the best thing to do is to nurse for 15 minutes on each side, every 2-3 hours those first few days. alternate which side you start feeding him on, and make sure he is latched on correctly... with a good latch and lanolin cream (a must) you will get sore, but not too terribly.
- don't be afraid to ask for help with breastfeeding. most hospitals have lactation specialists and they are golden! utilize them. also, if you have any questions feel free to ask me. i did my big capstone project on breastfeeding, and have lots of resources. if you can go to a class beforehand that would be smart too.
- so while waiting for my milk to come in, calvin was literally starving. it was way sad. but pretty common especially with first babies. most pediatricians will have you supplement with formula while you wait for your milk, but i really didn't want to. (their little guts are one of the last things to develop fully and formula can be so harsh on their tummies.) my pediatrician is amazing and a huge fan of breastfeeding. he suggested we buy noncolored nonflavored pedialyte and drip it into cal's mouth. this would give him enough fluid to sustain his body without overwhelming his gut. hopefully you wont need this. but just in case.
- lastly, breastfeeding is hard. try your best... utilize resources but if it doesn't work out, formula isn't the end of the world. (possibly the end of your wallet). i had to stop breastfeeding cal earlier than planned and felt pretty guilty about it for a while, but we had no other option. and it really wasn't a big deal.

recovery:
- you will be swollen: i had absolutely no idea how swollen everything down there got after having cal. in fact, i nearly passed out the first time i went to the restroom. just fyi. think sausages.
- the hospital pads are the best. they are huge and basically a diaper, but they are the best. stock up.
- use the ice packs!! they will have to be changed out every 20-30 mins because they melt. don't feel dumb asking the nurses for another one. it helps with the above mentioned swelling.
- stool softener: take it. hard poops + stitches = giving birth all over again.
- they have this squirt bottles (called peri bottles) that they give you to rinse off after you use the restroom. ask for an extra one! these are PERFECT for washing baby's hair, or i even took it camping a few months ago and used it to make a shower to clean cal up.

newborn necessities (get these before the babe comes):
- infant gas drops: these were a lifesaver. cal was so gassy and fussy because of it.. (i think the stool softener gets into the breast milk and gives them gas.. because when i weaned myself from the softener this eased up significantly). this is safe for any aged babe. i gave it to him with each night time feeding and he slept so much better.
- boppy: this is one of those things my mom insisted was a waste of money but.. i was attached to it for many reasons. 1. it was perfect for nursing 2. when any of the nieces/nephews or little siblings wanted to hold cal, i would have them sit and put the boppy around them and put cal on the pillow. it was way safer, and more secure. and 3. i would sit on it. i had to have lots of stitches and it took a while before i could sit without pain. the donut shape of the pillow is perfect.
- oxyclean laundry spray: this gets baby poop out the best. spray in on as quickly as you can and then soak the shirt in warm water. give it a little scrub with an old toothbrush, and wash it like normal, and it will get most poop stains out.

what are some of your favorite pregancy/baby tips??

6.27.12

baby boot camp started today. after reading lots and after many discussions, we are teaching cal how to fall asleep on his own. he wakes up at night and can't fall back to sleep without me being there.. his little brain needs long stretches of sleep for development and it is important for him to learn this now, not to mention.. i think i am starting to have permanent bags under my eyes and i seem to have started twitching from lack of sleep.
so this morning, i had everything ready for the meltdown of the century. put c in the crib. handed him his teddy. sang twinkle little star. and walked out. and not a peep. no crying at all.. seriously? now, i know this is most likely a fluke but i will take it.
also, c turns 1 in one week. i am dying here. i am not ready for him to grow up. i swear he was just this little:

o my sweet sweet baby. this has been a fantastic year.

utah valley half

i am trying hard to blog in the moment more - to not let weeks go before recording events. too much gets lost.. anyways.. here is my half marathon post from june 9th.

half marathon day came up on us quick.
it was crazy how all the weeks of training.. all the sweat.. all the time spent built up to this one morning.

picking up our bibs the day before

we left our house around 3:30.. a little nervous, but mostly excited.
after parking, waiting in line, and squishing in the back of the bus, we made it to the starting line.
it was pitch black with little huddles of people around tiny fire pits.
we found some ladies from the ward and chatted while the sun came up.
before we knew it, we were all lined up to start.

blurry phone picture

 and off we went.
i loved hearing the sound of hundreds thousands of feet running together.
it was almost relaxing, like the sound of rain.

overall, i felt like it was a pretty difficult race - with the hills and wind at the beginning, and being so exhausted by the end.

i am so glad i did it though. the course was beautiful. sharsti was the best running partner. and we finished at a pretty good time for our first race.
it is hard to beat the feeling of pure adrenaline, as you muster up all the energy you have left, and sprint the final stretch.

since this was my first race, i learned a ton.

logistically, i wish i had more energy to start with.. like a gu and some water.
i also wished i had my ipod.

 physically, i felt so good after my long runs a few weeks before the race, i didn't really push myself for the last few runs... probably not the best idea.
also, i need to figure out this whole numb toes thing.

personally, i need to work on my mental game.
i felt like i let negative thinking really affect me this race.
my focus was on all the wrong things..

so. with all of that being said. i am glad i ran. it really was fun. and i am excited to improve during my next race.

i have decided that i am going to run at least one half after each baby.
it was the perfect motivation to get me in shape.. plus the extra energy and endorphins you get from running are so awesome.
o, and i never felt guilty about eating a treat after running 6+ miles.

next up: the freedom run